Milk & Minestrone
A Comedy made for the Campus Movie Fest.
By Chris Miele & Nathaniel Combs
Ext. The Young Couples’ Apartment
A flier is taped to the front of the young couple’s door. The flier reads ‘NEED A TRUER PURPOSE? COME EMBRACE A NEW TRUTH THIS WEDNESDAY, 6 PM IN A COLLEGE DORM DUE TO BUDGET CONSTRAINTS.” VIRGIL walks out of the apartment carrying a loaded trash bag, leaving the door opened. His boyfriend LEMON is upset by this and closes the door. Virgil returns and removes the flyer and starts reading it inside.
Virgil
“Need a truer purpose? Come embrace a new truth this Wednesday…”
Lemon
What is that you’re reading, hon?
Virgil shows Lemon the flyer.
Virgil
It seems… Culty. Like they’re inviting us there to be eaten.
Lemon
It sounds adventurous! “A truer purpose”… embracing a new truth… Sounds like my type of shindig!
Virgil
What are they paying you to make this sound fun? This sounds bizarre and rather unsafe.
Lemon
C’mon Virgil, when was the last time we went to something weird like when we were young?
Virgil
Probably when we went to your family reunion last summer. I drank way too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades!
Lemon (laughing)
You had fun! You and my Aunt Donna really hit it off well! This could add some spice to our relationship!
Virgil
The classic “it’ll be fun” argument… You know I’m allergic to most things! Going outside is a gamble in and of itself!
Lemon gives Virgil the puppy dog eyes. Virgil sighs.
Virgil
But I do love you and I like to see you happy, so I’ll go just for you!
Lemon claps and laughs.
Lemon
You wont regret this!
TITLE: Wednesday
Int. The Back Room of The Finger Burn Wine & Spirits – WEDNEDSAY, 6:00 PM
The Back Room is filled with rows of empty chairs sitting in front of an empty stage. The room is small and quaint. Curtains surround the chairs and stage. Virgil and Lemon walk into the room. Virgil is holding his inhaler.
Lemon
You don’t need that thing, Virgil! You shoulda left it in the car!
Virgil
This is a strange place, Lemon! There might be yeast particles in the air! You don’t want me to get another yeast infection, do you!
Lemon
Oh, Virgil. You’re such a goofball!
They sit in the middle row. Virgil looks at his watch.
Virgil
It’s 6:01. It should’ve started by now!
TANGO, the hippy pianist, walks across the stage carrying a piano. He sets the piano down and starts a playing an eerie piano tune.
Lemon (whispering to Virgil)
It’s starting!
TANGO cuts the eerie tune and starts a playing a more cheery pop tune. TURBO, the TORGOS priest wearing a purple get up, appears on stage singing. Lemon is amazed. Virgil looks confused.
Turbo (singing)
Hey hey hey, how’s everyone doing today/I’m doing great cause I know The Way/Let me share with you the liquid that flows/From our great ruler, the indomitable Torgos
Tango plays a bit more than stops. Lemon claps. Virgil frowns.
Turbo (speaking and squinting)
Wow! Look at this crowd today! Very exciting! I cant wait for you to all hear the words that I have for you to hear! How yah doing over on the piano, Tango!?
Tango looks at Turbo.
Turbo
That’s great! Of course, folks, my name is Central Priest Turbo Targos and I want to share the wonder of Targos with you. Tango, could you get The First Offerings of Targos?
Tango gets up and wheels out a platter of cups filled with milk. Turbo hands cups to Virgil and Lemon.
Turbo
Now drink! Let us not waste the blood of Targos!
Virgil (to Tango)
No thank you! I’m lactose intolerant.
Lemon (sipping)
This is some strange tasting milk!
Turbo
Yes yes! Please, enjoy the spoiled milk of Torgos!
Lemon spits out the milk.
Virgil
Keep that away from me or else I’ll be viciously ill!
Tango wheels out a platter full of bowls filled with minestrone soup.
Turbo
Now, The Second Offering of Torgos! Minestrone soup!
Virgil
Minestrone soup is my favorite! Don’t mind if I do!
They sip the minestrone.
Turbo
This minestrone is the brain juice of Torgos!
Virgil puts his minestrone to the side. Tango returns to the piano. Turbo sings.
Tango (to the tune of Farmer in the Dell)
Milk and Minestrone/Milk and Minestrone/Good for every bone/Milk and Minestrone/Milk and Minestrone is all you need/It’s the reason why we make Torgos bleed!
Turbo
Now, before we bring out the third and final offering of Torgos, I would like to remind you of Torgos’s son: Kangaroo Jack!
Turbo pulls out a DVD copy of Kangaroo Jack.
Turbo (cont.)
For it is filmed in The Good DVD Kangaroo Jack, that Torgos’ son boxed and rapped for our Entertainment! That is why we sing in His praise! Now we echo this combination of boxing and rapping with our own combination of milk and minestrone! Bring out the third offering: Milkestrone!
Tango wheels out a mixture of milk and minestrone. Turbo mixes milk and minestrone in his cup. He slurps it down. Tango holds up the mixture to Virgil’s face. Virgil is disgusted.
Virgil
Outrageous! How could you combine such substances! C’mon, Lemon we’re outta here!
Lemon
But, it’s the final offering! We’re almost done.
Virgil (gagging)
No, I will not stand-
Virgil runs outside and vomits on the ground. He slips on the vomit and falls. Lemon gets up to help him. Lemon slips on Virgil’s vomit. They squirm on the floor in pain, struggling to get up.
Turbo (squinting at empty room)
Wow! What an active crowd we have today! Hit it, Tango!
Turbo sings a song.
Thank you, Kangaroo/ I love you, Kangaroo/Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack/You’re my boxing boy/I love your rap/Torgos has made a good ol chap
THE END.